Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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