I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
