I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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