Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
