So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
