I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
