I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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