So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
