I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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