I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
