You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize