I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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