I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
