May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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