I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
should my penis look like a turkey
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
