and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
