im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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