So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
