I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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