I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
