tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
