i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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