Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
