drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I need to sanitize my soul.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
