Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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