____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
