Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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