so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
