I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
