I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
