my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Randomize
