While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
