just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
im on a boat
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