cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
