Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
