Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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