im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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