There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
