Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
