I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Everclear isn't food dammit
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
