i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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