I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
