I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
