i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
