if you like me you must not know who I am
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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