I cannot find my penis.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
