Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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