cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
