the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize