There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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