At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
