Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
