dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
